CANDIDATE JERKABEE

To wit, a review of the Fox Republican Debate, with name calling thrown in



We couldn’t watch anything else a couple of nights ago.


We had only one real choice to make. Should we, or should we not watch the Republican candidates debate on Fox? We wandered into it, and stayed to watch like a person mesmerized by a car wreck (which is what the debates have become.)


It was truly “theatre of the absurd.”


First of all, after almost 8 years of the Bush administration, a majority of Americans have told pollsters they want a change in Washington. If you believe any of those polls, you’ll see that a Republican has very little chance of winning, and listening to these guys (no women required here) is like listening to a group of people who all claim they’re Napoleon.


The party faithful don’t even know who they want, and haven’t shown any real support for any of the current candidates.


Fred Thompson made his underwhelming entry into the competition the same night…and promptly ended up in second place. Wow, the right sure has the candidate about the set the world on fire…if only he won’t die (and Thompson looks like he might.)



Let’s clear away a couple of things that stuck in our collective craw after watching the scrum. First of all, yes, Sen. John McCain is both old, and insane. He had the temerity (or he suffers from dementia, a la Reagan) to insist that “the surge is working” on the same day reports from the GAO and others say the “surge isn’t working” and that the Maliki government has failed to meet 11 or 18 benchmarks for requiring the continued presense of American Troops. Someone needs to hit him on the noggin with a football, wake the old man up. It’s called magical thinking, Johnnie boy, and you’ve become a victim of it. Again and again we kept hearing that magical word, “Anbar.”



To anyone who picked up a copy of the New York Times Magazine this past weekend, you’ll know a little bit about the “success” in Anbar, and what kind of doom it spells for the military effort in Iraq. Sunni tribesman, previously fighting the US have now joined the US. Of course, the Shi’a government wants nothing to do with this, and the Shi’a are a pretty big majority in a so-called democratic new Iraqi government. How the hell is that supposed to translate into “the surge is working?” Maybe Senator McCain was high during the debate.



Also, we have to send some arrows out to Pastor Huckabee. What a sanctimonious boob. First he tries to kiss McCain’s ass (can anyone say “VP?”) by talking about “honor this and honor schmiss” – we know what McCain went through in the Hanoi Hilton, in fact, his campaign has no intention of ever letting us forget. They’ll use archival video and film of McCain’s stay in the notorious North Vietnamese prison as part of the image campaign for their candidate. Anyway, the Huckster got into it with Rep. Ron Paul of Texas. We still believe Paul doesn’t exist, except in the imaginations of both libertarians and members of the Faux-News set. Either that or he’s really Rep. Dennis Kucinich in disguise/drag. However, he actually spoke some truth…Republicans will lose in 2008 based on foreign policy and some other simpler matters. He also has something about the constitution being either broken or twisted. When he tried to make the point that the surge hasn’t worked, Huckster took him to task. Huckster used the uncomfortable “if you break It you buy it” metaphor more aptly used by Colin Powell before the war started. Paul wondered just how many men and women would have to die before the nation was satisfied and brought them home from war. Huck thinks ‘we the people’ declared war, and doesn’t think mistakes should be corrected on the the floor of Congress. He also thinks “honor” is something more important than the waste of American lives. How can you have that “honor” if you have a war that was either started because of a bald-faced lie or a very, very big mistake by a group of imcompetents?



We ran across an interesting website the other day, just in case you wondered. It was a military website, and has a poll…a way of finding out who is most suited to your political views among the candidates. Most of those who voted chose either a) Sen. Mike Gravel or b) Rep. Dennis Kucinich. Mitt Romney and Sen. Edwards found themselves at the bottom of the heap. Funny thing is that it’s really fun and feels fantastic to talk about “honor” and “patriotism” if you aren’t facing guns and the nasty, brutish reality of war. It works well in debates and in picking up women in bars. It works well when you’re wearing your uniform and the hometown folks have all come by to pat you on the back. The story is a different one when you are with your unit and on duty. People don’t talk that trash when things heat up, and deep down they remember that reality when it comes time to vote and when it comes time to re-enlist. It’s easy to be brave when you’re a Baptist Preacher from Hope and you’re on national TV screwing around with a video camera after the debate and shucking and jiving with Shaun Hannity and that dipshit Colmes. It’s another when your Humvee is blown to bits, or when you look at the human beings who are now damaged for life, with pieces blown out of their brains and ruined limbs and nothing but years and years of physical pain ahead, and for what…an honorable lie?



We’re not sure if Romney is a bigger idiot or Huckabee. We think Huckabee wins this round in the fake-chickenhawk sweepstakes. If Gov. Mike served in Vietnam, we’ll take this back…to date we don’t know that he served in uniform. We just know he talks a big game in defense of lies and talks a big game when someone else’s life is on the line. He’s the guy that would get fragged in the jungle back in ’71.



Again, we’re not fans of Ron Paul…c’mon, he’s creepy. But we’re astounded at how Mike “heretofore semi-human” Huckabee could come away from this ridiculous debate feeling good about himself. Sorry Mike, you may think we’re playing politics, but we’re not. You’ve never been that bad a governor, or that bad a guy. This little televised outburst has us thinking twice, maybe three times about who you really are.



We’ll finish with this gem from the aforementioned Rep. Paul…

"What do we have to do to save face? It's all we're doing is saving face, and it's time we came home,"

What do we do when the weirdos start understanding it and not the even-keeled guys?



(note: as you can tell, a veteran did contribute to this column, so semper fidelis, OK? That contributor adds, “you lost Vietnam once, wasn’t that enough for you? Why the hell do you want to go back and change history? Just shows you never learned the lessons it teaches. Even an old fart like me can learn…”)